Ansari and Conversations About Consent
Content warning: Sexual assault.
Two years ago I wrote about the night of my sexual assault for my college’s magazine to explore what was being done on my campus to educate students and help survivors. Before it was published I had to assure the editors several times that I was OK with my name being attached to the story “forever” for anyone to see, maybe in case I had something to be ashamed of in the future or in case of potential backlash about the publication. The reason I chose to write my story was to start a conversation about sexual assault and to help other survivors realize they are not alone.
After the assault occurred, I was afraid to share my story and was in denial of what had happened because of the gray area between rape and consensual sex, otherwise known as sexual assault or misconduct. I was afraid I would be blamed for my actions and told what I could have done to prevent it from happening to myself.
Now in the wake of the #metoo movement we are hearing stories almost daily of other women who have been sexually assaulted. Perhaps among the most controversial and debated, is “Grace’s” story published on babe.net.
In the story titled “I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life,” an anonymous photographer under the pseudonym “Grace” details her date with actor and comedian Aziz Ansari. Then 22-year-old Grace went on a date with Ansari that ended up with him quickly saying he would grab a condom and nonconsensually performing oral sex on her shortly after arriving back at his apartment after dinner. The rest of the story describes a night that has been widely torn apart, dismissed and debated.
Despite the journalistic flaws of the article and post-publishing actions taken by the writer and the platform, the story lays the grounds for a pertinent conversation that we should be having in the context of the #metoo movement.
Her story has been torn apart and labeled as simply “bad sex” or a date gone awry. Many people have ousted her from the #metoo movement because they believe that she is weakening it since there isn’t a clear answer of who is or who isn’t at fault -- but whose fault it is isn’t the point. Instead, her story is transforming the movement. Giving us a place to begin to take action and make a societal change.
Much of the feedback and comments surrounding Grace’s story are blatantly victim blaming. The focus falls on what she could’ve done instead of what he easily could’ve stopped and not continued to do.What happened to believing women? Sure, in an ideal scenario she could have got up and left or said “no” loud and clear (which she did, several times). But only Grace knows the circumstances of what she felt that night.
Women are vilified for sharing their story if there were actions they maybe could have taken to prevent the situation. It doesn’t matter what they could have done to protect themselves. It has already happened, and it should not become women’s duties to keep themselves safe. There is a societal issue of women being afraid or unable to say no for many reasons -- fear, retaliation, men refusing to accept it as an answer -- but it’s not on women to learn what to do to prevent this from potentially happening to them, it’s for society as a whole (specifically: men) to dismantle the oppressive patriarchal system that causes women to feel unsafe in these situations.
It breaks my heart and infuriates me to read comments or tweets that say “I’m a feminist but…” or “I’ve been sexually assaulted but” and then dismiss Grace’s whole story, equating it to a bad date she could have walked away from. Clearly these individuals do not fully understand rape culture or the oppressive patriarchal structure of our society, and are subconsciously holding these beliefs in place.
Who are we to deny Grace’s feelings that night? Ansari himself didn’t deny the encounter. He is not a rapist, and maybe he acted in a way that society taught him was ok. He is certainly not a Weinstein-level perpetrator, but perhaps a perpetrator on a more “everyday experience” basis. Ideally, this story would cause men to open their eyes and realize that the way they view sexual encounters needs fixing. Admit your wrongs, promise to do better and LISTEN to these stories and the way women are reacting.
Sharing these stories shows solidarity with other women and survivors of assault, showing they are not alone and hoping to create a change. In many cases, these stories have caused heartache, anxiety, debilitating depression and posttraumatic stress. And in many more cases, the incidents in these stories have caused guilt, shame and self-doubt.
I know that telling my story helped me to fully reclaim my body and acknowledge that the actions of that night were not my fault. Grace is anonymous and we don’t know how she is coping with the backlash, but this is still her life and her story.
Consenting to sexual activity is still a gray area that is not as openly discussed as it needs to be -- and that’s where Grace’s story begins to pave the way for a new frontier among the #metoo movement. However, consent is much more black and white than it may seem. In this case, it’s simple: the absence of a no did not mean yes, and going out on a date with him and her presence at his house did not imply consent.
Although Grace goes along with Ansari’s actions at several points during the encounter, at no point does she say yes to the activity, nor does Ansari ask or seem to care if Grace is enjoying it or even wants any of it. At several points she even says “no” directly, in various ways. To which, Ansari continues attempts follow her around his house and try to persuade her to have sex with him, even pouring her another glass of wine and putting her hands on his penis. He seems to be wearing her down until she will agree to having sex -- in other words coercion.
Coercing someone into sexual activities, as Ansari did with Grace, does not mean consent in sexual activity. Like in my assault, alcohol did not allow me to consent to sexual activity. Previous sexual experiences with a partner is not consent. What a woman is wearing does not imply consent. Marriage is not consent. Nothing but an enthusiastic, verbal “yes” is consent to a sexual activity.
Consent is clear. Consent should be verbally given. It is not the “cues” that Ansari could’ve read. Saying that “he is not a mind reader” is irrelevant, because he doesn’t need to be a mind reader to have verbal consent to a sexual activity.
For those who see having to acquire an enthusiastic yes as an inconvenience, perhaps they shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. It is a simple question. If your partner says “no,” says nothing or hesitates, then it is a no. Why would you want to continue to have sex with someone who doesn't want to engage in sex with you -- and if you do want to? That’s another concerning predatory issue that needs to be addressed.
Maybe Grace’s story is being ripped apart as much as it is because we are afraid to see Ansari as the “bad guy” or we are afraid to admit to our own mistakes in our sexual histories where consent was a bit fuzzy. He has painted himself as a “woke feminist,” wearing a Time’s Up pin at the Golden Globes, and in turn this story has shocked us into disbelief and denial that he did anything wrong. This story is not about Ansari as much as it is about all of us. Perhaps we are afraid to look back and analyze our previous sexual histories and maybe realize that more of us have been sexually assaulted than we would like to admit, and that is exactly the problem.
The #metoo movement has been eye opening to many people about the large, wide-spread scale of sexual assault. Some people didn’t realize how many women (and men, too) among us have been quietly keeping their sexual assault stories hidden until now. The fact that this occurrence is so normalized indicates that there is a larger issue at hand then just a bunch of skeevy men in Hollywood. Conversations around consent and the way consent is viewed must be reframed in order for any change.
How we can go about getting everyone on the same page is yet to be determined. But the next steps seem to be continuing sharing our stories, allowing stories like Grace’s to be part of the #metoo movement, teaching our children about clear, affirmative consent from a young age, painting a vivid image about what a healthy sexual encounter looks like, allowing women to openly enjoy sex and first and foremost, believing women and listening to women saying that Ansari’s (and other men’s) behavior is wrong. In an ideal world the next steps would include legitimate sex education in schools and harsher consequences for perpetrators, but that might be a longer fight.
Should it be solely up to men to ask for consent in heterosexual encounters? Absolutely not. Anyone initiating any sexual act should have clear, verbal consent from their partner. Consent is a two way street. However, it should be up to men to admit there is a problem with the way they are taught to view women and sex and to help address these issues. Women are not something to conquer. Women are not something to use for your own gratification. Imagine the pleasure you can give her once you clearly know (through verbal confirmation) that she wants it just as much as you do.
Grace’s story is not anti-sex nor intended to muddy the waters. Talking about consent and having a clear definition allows us to make space for some of the best sex any of us can have -- clearly consensual sex, enjoyable for everyone involved.
Whatever the answer to this problem may be, we are unfortunately still a long ways away from it, but we are closer now than ever before.
Grasping these issues requires knowing a lot of jargon and understanding larger concepts and systems of oppression. I have linked to many informative articles to explore these elements in further detail. Feel free to comment or send me a message with any question you might have and I will be happy to try and help you out.
Articles exploring similar ideas:
“Aziz, We Tried to Warn You” by Lindy West
“I’m a sexual consent educator. Here’s what’s missing in the Aziz Ansari conversation.” by Jaclyn Friedman
“The Aziz Ansari Allegation Has People Talking About 'Affirmative Consent.' What's That?” by Samantha Cooney
“On Aziz Ansari And Sex That Feels Violating Even When It’s Not Criminal” by Emma Gray
Two years ago I wrote about the night of my sexual assault for my college’s magazine to explore what was being done on my campus to educate students and help survivors. Before it was published I had to assure the editors several times that I was OK with my name being attached to the story “forever” for anyone to see, maybe in case I had something to be ashamed of in the future or in case of potential backlash about the publication. The reason I chose to write my story was to start a conversation about sexual assault and to help other survivors realize they are not alone.
After the assault occurred, I was afraid to share my story and was in denial of what had happened because of the gray area between rape and consensual sex, otherwise known as sexual assault or misconduct. I was afraid I would be blamed for my actions and told what I could have done to prevent it from happening to myself.
Now in the wake of the #metoo movement we are hearing stories almost daily of other women who have been sexually assaulted. Perhaps among the most controversial and debated, is “Grace’s” story published on babe.net.
In the story titled “I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life,” an anonymous photographer under the pseudonym “Grace” details her date with actor and comedian Aziz Ansari. Then 22-year-old Grace went on a date with Ansari that ended up with him quickly saying he would grab a condom and nonconsensually performing oral sex on her shortly after arriving back at his apartment after dinner. The rest of the story describes a night that has been widely torn apart, dismissed and debated.
Despite the journalistic flaws of the article and post-publishing actions taken by the writer and the platform, the story lays the grounds for a pertinent conversation that we should be having in the context of the #metoo movement.
Her story has been torn apart and labeled as simply “bad sex” or a date gone awry. Many people have ousted her from the #metoo movement because they believe that she is weakening it since there isn’t a clear answer of who is or who isn’t at fault -- but whose fault it is isn’t the point. Instead, her story is transforming the movement. Giving us a place to begin to take action and make a societal change.
Much of the feedback and comments surrounding Grace’s story are blatantly victim blaming. The focus falls on what she could’ve done instead of what he easily could’ve stopped and not continued to do.What happened to believing women? Sure, in an ideal scenario she could have got up and left or said “no” loud and clear (which she did, several times). But only Grace knows the circumstances of what she felt that night.
Women are vilified for sharing their story if there were actions they maybe could have taken to prevent the situation. It doesn’t matter what they could have done to protect themselves. It has already happened, and it should not become women’s duties to keep themselves safe. There is a societal issue of women being afraid or unable to say no for many reasons -- fear, retaliation, men refusing to accept it as an answer -- but it’s not on women to learn what to do to prevent this from potentially happening to them, it’s for society as a whole (specifically: men) to dismantle the oppressive patriarchal system that causes women to feel unsafe in these situations.
It breaks my heart and infuriates me to read comments or tweets that say “I’m a feminist but…” or “I’ve been sexually assaulted but” and then dismiss Grace’s whole story, equating it to a bad date she could have walked away from. Clearly these individuals do not fully understand rape culture or the oppressive patriarchal structure of our society, and are subconsciously holding these beliefs in place.
Who are we to deny Grace’s feelings that night? Ansari himself didn’t deny the encounter. He is not a rapist, and maybe he acted in a way that society taught him was ok. He is certainly not a Weinstein-level perpetrator, but perhaps a perpetrator on a more “everyday experience” basis. Ideally, this story would cause men to open their eyes and realize that the way they view sexual encounters needs fixing. Admit your wrongs, promise to do better and LISTEN to these stories and the way women are reacting.
Sharing these stories shows solidarity with other women and survivors of assault, showing they are not alone and hoping to create a change. In many cases, these stories have caused heartache, anxiety, debilitating depression and posttraumatic stress. And in many more cases, the incidents in these stories have caused guilt, shame and self-doubt.
I know that telling my story helped me to fully reclaim my body and acknowledge that the actions of that night were not my fault. Grace is anonymous and we don’t know how she is coping with the backlash, but this is still her life and her story.
Consenting to sexual activity is still a gray area that is not as openly discussed as it needs to be -- and that’s where Grace’s story begins to pave the way for a new frontier among the #metoo movement. However, consent is much more black and white than it may seem. In this case, it’s simple: the absence of a no did not mean yes, and going out on a date with him and her presence at his house did not imply consent.
Although Grace goes along with Ansari’s actions at several points during the encounter, at no point does she say yes to the activity, nor does Ansari ask or seem to care if Grace is enjoying it or even wants any of it. At several points she even says “no” directly, in various ways. To which, Ansari continues attempts follow her around his house and try to persuade her to have sex with him, even pouring her another glass of wine and putting her hands on his penis. He seems to be wearing her down until she will agree to having sex -- in other words coercion.
Coercing someone into sexual activities, as Ansari did with Grace, does not mean consent in sexual activity. Like in my assault, alcohol did not allow me to consent to sexual activity. Previous sexual experiences with a partner is not consent. What a woman is wearing does not imply consent. Marriage is not consent. Nothing but an enthusiastic, verbal “yes” is consent to a sexual activity.
Consent is clear. Consent should be verbally given. It is not the “cues” that Ansari could’ve read. Saying that “he is not a mind reader” is irrelevant, because he doesn’t need to be a mind reader to have verbal consent to a sexual activity.
For those who see having to acquire an enthusiastic yes as an inconvenience, perhaps they shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. It is a simple question. If your partner says “no,” says nothing or hesitates, then it is a no. Why would you want to continue to have sex with someone who doesn't want to engage in sex with you -- and if you do want to? That’s another concerning predatory issue that needs to be addressed.
Maybe Grace’s story is being ripped apart as much as it is because we are afraid to see Ansari as the “bad guy” or we are afraid to admit to our own mistakes in our sexual histories where consent was a bit fuzzy. He has painted himself as a “woke feminist,” wearing a Time’s Up pin at the Golden Globes, and in turn this story has shocked us into disbelief and denial that he did anything wrong. This story is not about Ansari as much as it is about all of us. Perhaps we are afraid to look back and analyze our previous sexual histories and maybe realize that more of us have been sexually assaulted than we would like to admit, and that is exactly the problem.
The #metoo movement has been eye opening to many people about the large, wide-spread scale of sexual assault. Some people didn’t realize how many women (and men, too) among us have been quietly keeping their sexual assault stories hidden until now. The fact that this occurrence is so normalized indicates that there is a larger issue at hand then just a bunch of skeevy men in Hollywood. Conversations around consent and the way consent is viewed must be reframed in order for any change.
How we can go about getting everyone on the same page is yet to be determined. But the next steps seem to be continuing sharing our stories, allowing stories like Grace’s to be part of the #metoo movement, teaching our children about clear, affirmative consent from a young age, painting a vivid image about what a healthy sexual encounter looks like, allowing women to openly enjoy sex and first and foremost, believing women and listening to women saying that Ansari’s (and other men’s) behavior is wrong. In an ideal world the next steps would include legitimate sex education in schools and harsher consequences for perpetrators, but that might be a longer fight.
Should it be solely up to men to ask for consent in heterosexual encounters? Absolutely not. Anyone initiating any sexual act should have clear, verbal consent from their partner. Consent is a two way street. However, it should be up to men to admit there is a problem with the way they are taught to view women and sex and to help address these issues. Women are not something to conquer. Women are not something to use for your own gratification. Imagine the pleasure you can give her once you clearly know (through verbal confirmation) that she wants it just as much as you do.
Grace’s story is not anti-sex nor intended to muddy the waters. Talking about consent and having a clear definition allows us to make space for some of the best sex any of us can have -- clearly consensual sex, enjoyable for everyone involved.
Whatever the answer to this problem may be, we are unfortunately still a long ways away from it, but we are closer now than ever before.
Grasping these issues requires knowing a lot of jargon and understanding larger concepts and systems of oppression. I have linked to many informative articles to explore these elements in further detail. Feel free to comment or send me a message with any question you might have and I will be happy to try and help you out.
Articles exploring similar ideas:
“Aziz, We Tried to Warn You” by Lindy West
“I’m a sexual consent educator. Here’s what’s missing in the Aziz Ansari conversation.” by Jaclyn Friedman
“The Aziz Ansari Allegation Has People Talking About 'Affirmative Consent.' What's That?” by Samantha Cooney
“On Aziz Ansari And Sex That Feels Violating Even When It’s Not Criminal” by Emma Gray
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