24 Things (A Birthday Present to Myself)

Happy birthday to me!

I’ve been telling myself to create a blog for quite some time now but I’ve been hung up on all the details. I first told myself I’d start one on my 21st birthday. Then I told myself the 22nd. Then 23rd. It never happened. Not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m scared.

But now today is my 24th birthday, and today is the day I’m finally starting a damn blog! I kept making excuses — finding the right title, url, theme, layout, etc. — that I just kept telling myself I’d start blogging again once I had it figured out.

I used to have a blog circa 2009-2010 (and then another Tumblr writing blog started in early 2014 that I still have but haven’t published on in years). I found my oldest blog when I created this one. It’s since been privatized and now only I can see it, but honestly, I didn’t recognize the girl in the posts.

The content was so cringe-worthy, and reading it now I can tell that I was putting up a front. The posts from when I was 16 weren’t really my ideas, they were what I thought people wanted to hear. I wasn’t sure of who I was. I do remember enjoying having a creative outlet, though, and coming up with blog post ideas.

Mentally, I wasn’t ok then, but I was afraid to admit that. I’m not okay now either, but I’m actively improving myself every day and I know I’m on a journey of wading through the anxiety and finally finding myself. Anxiety is a weight of self-doubt, crippling worry and dread. And it never leaves. But talking about it and doing things to combat it help.

I realized I've been wasting time. I’ve been sitting and watching others create great things and not joining in for too long. Today’s my 24th birthday. The time is now. If I don’t just get a post out there then I might never do it.

So, this is the start of my blog and I’m telling myself it can be whatever I want it to be. The possibilities are endless and that both excites and overwhelms me.

A goal of mine is to write and publish a book someday. Well, how the hell am I going to do that if I’m not producing any work or even strengthening my skills? In the journalism program at school, I was writing and producing enough content as to where I felt mostly satisfied. I didn’t have enough time to really create much else even if I wanted to.

But failing to secure a writing job (I am very thankful I have a job in the journalism industry at least), I feel like I’m dying inside. I need an outlet, a non-self-destructive, productive way to let all my thoughts out and to most importantly: CREATE!

Frankly, I’m afraid of failing. Perfectionism is quashing my well being and creativity. I’m afraid of having a goal and being rejected from it.

Ultimately I’d love to be writing for a living, but seeing as though that isn’t going so well for the time being (lack of journalism writing jobs, lack of pay, lack of self-confidence) I know that I need to do something else to aid my anxiety.

I’ve recently been on a journey of bettering my mental health through therapy (and in a variety of other ways you'll see below), but creating a blog seems to be a major step in helping calm my anxiety and fears.

I have some ideas and I can write — why not just publish my own work now with the potential of it forming into whatever I want it to be later? It’s never going to be perfect from the beginning. And I’m never going to get anywhere if I don’t even try.

This blog isn’t only going to be about mental health though, no, it’s going to be ideas from the perspective of someone struggling with their mental health. It’s going to be about music, plants, politics, skincare, travel, DIY projects, feminism or *whatever* the heck I want it to be. Think of this post as my shitty first draft. It has the potential to be anything, and I’m excited to see what it becomes. I know it is going to change over time, and I can't wait to get the design figured out and think of a forever url.

Maybe this blog will be like talking to myself, but hey, just putting the thoughts out there for other people to maybe see is enough to get me out of my head for a bit.

Since this post is all about growing and changing and today is my 24th birthday here are 24 things I’ve learned, am learning or want to learn:

1. Time does heal.  
2. Be aware of feelings.
3. Have something to look forward to.
4. Persistence really usually is the key.  
5. Just do it. (Quit overthinking.)
6. Say bye to fuckboys; reclaim your love life.
7. Be proud of your accomplishments.
8. Things usually end up sorting out, even if it’s not the way you planned.
9. Acne isn’t only for teenagers.
10. It’s ok to not have things figured out.
11. Keep learning.
12. You don’t have to be a health nut to be healthy.
13. You are your own worst enemy. (Looking at you anxiety, depression and perfectionism)
14. Use mistakes as a learning experience and motivation to do better.
15. Other people’s thoughts on you do not define you.
16. Be inspired instead of intimidated.
17. Create. (Something. Anything.)
18. Take care of your plants.
19. Make time for reading.
20. First impressions are not always right.  
21. Keep your house (mostly) clean.
22. Moisturize. Hydrate. Go to therapy. Take vitamins. Go to the gym. Eat a healthy variety of foods. Brush your teeth. (Sometimes it’s hard to even do the basic things.)
23. You have the power to change your life.
24. Change isn’t always scary.

Perhaps I’ll use these thoughts to inspire future posts. But maybe not. This can evolve into whatever, and creating anything is the point for now. Here’s to being 24 and finally making things fall back into place. This is the change I need — this is the blog!